Evan: God is Good

I know the saying "God is Good" sounds kind of generic but right now it encompasses far more than I ever imagined. I have always thought the meaning of names pretty important with each of my children. I honestly have this feeling that their middle names might someday be God's promise about who they are or where life will lead them. (Okay, so I may be a little too imaginative and a hopeless dreamer, who knows?) My third son's middle name certainly came about by a direct answer of prayer. I prayed it if was from God, that without mentioning the unlikely name to my husband, that he would suggest it. I was only a little surprised when he suggested it a few weeks later. My last son arrived earlier than expected and even though I had prayed and searched we had only came up with his first name which I never bothered to look up the meaning. It has always been their middle names I fussed about. We felt rushed and agreed on Michael but the meaning held no particular promise.
On December 16th my perfectly healthy 2 1/2 month old baby Evan started having "Infantile Spasms". After having an EEG to monitor his brain waves we were told he had severely abnormal brain activity in the left half of his brain. It wasn't when he was seizing, it was constant whether he was awake, asleep, and totally healthy looking. We were rushed to the ER so Evan could have a CAT scan and be seen by a neurologist. We were overwhelmed. We knew God was in control and started desperately depending on Him to help us cope with the possible diagnosis. They took blood, did a CAT scan and started him on phenobarbital, a seizure medication. The cat scan showed nothing and so they performed a MRI. God first answered our prayer that he didn't need to be sedated, he peacefully slept through it. The MRI was completely normal and we were overjoyed. God has answered another prayer. I had no doubt that He could heal him. My husband and I continued to pray as did many friends and family. Was he healed already??? Saturday's EEG revealed the same severely abnormal brain activity. Our hearts and hopes plummeted. The neurologist was "hopeful" that with the normal MRI he had a 30% chance of his brain developing with only moderate developmental problems ... if we found a medication to stop the seizures. He didn't respond to the first medication, he didn't respond to the second medication. In fact he was getting worse. The seizures (or spasms) were coming every two hours and were lasting longer. They gave him a powerful medication to knock him out to stop the seizures and prevent damage. They say his seizures were like little sparks that could eventually inflame the whole brain and after time would start causing brain damage. Dusty and I started praying for the strength to accept what limitations Evan might have but were hopeful God would still heal him. We knew we'd love him no matter what and than God would be there with us every step of the way. We knew he'd give us the strength to accept what we could not change and no matter what we wanted God to be glorified.
For my husband this was a huge step in his faith. He had always held back. To me he seemed to change overnight. He became the faithful one and I desperately wanted to take back every promise to God that He could do what He willed with my children. After knowing firsthand how God can hold you ever so close through the hardest of circumstances, I thought I'd always be strong enough to handle whatever came my way, even if it was with one of my children. I was beginning to think God wanted to be glorified through our struggle with Evan's health instead of through healing. Our testimony of God's goodness while raising a child with special needs.
I've always known God's glory is sometimes shown greater through the struggle than through the healing. I thought that's what he always had planned for me, for us. His ways are not our ways.
More on this later.